Behold! The Miss Universe 2013 National Costume Show!

Somehow I have not been aware, until now, about this particular part of the “Miss Universe” pageant. The INSANE costume exhibition/fashion show/cultural miasma that leads up to the actual pageant involves “tradition-inspired” costumes from each contestant. AND THEY ARE RIDICULOUS-MAZING!

Miss Angola - Vaumara Rebelo

Miss White Feather Cocoon and Matching Heel-Spats – Vaumara Rebelo (Angola)

Miss Argentina - Brenda González

Miss Took ALL the White Feathers (She’s not even sorry.) – Brenda González (Argentina)

Miss Belgium - Noémie Happart

Miss Will Totally Sexy Murder You – Noémie Happart (Belgium)

Miss Botswana - Tsaone Macheng

Miss Pre-Makeover Hunger Games Contestant – Tsaone Macheng (Botswana)

Miss Curacao - Eline de Pool

Miss Dr. Seuss – Eline de Pool (Curacao)

Miss Guyana - Katherina Roshana

Miss Please Associate Us with Anything Other Than Jonestown – Katherina Roshana (Guyana)

Miss Malaysia - Carey Ng

Miss Citizen of the Matrix – Carey Ng (Malaysia)

Miss Mexico - Cynthia Duque

Miss Sexy Latin VooDoo – Cynthia Duque (Mexico)

Miss Netherlands - Stephanie Tency

Miss Cityscape Peacock – Stephanie Tency (Netherlands)

Miss Nicaragua - Nastassja Bolívar

Miss Peacock Serial Killer – Nastassja Bolívar (Nicaragua)

Miss Nigeria - Stephanie Okwu

Miss These Used to Be Baskets! – Stephanie Okwu (Nigeria)

Miss Russia - Elmira Abdrazakova

Miss This Is How I Envision Everyone in Russia (except the peasants and the prostitutes) – Elmira Abdrazakova (Russia)

Miss Singapore - Shi Lim

Miss Grape Cape – Shi Lim (Singapore)

Miss Spain - Patricia Rodríguez

Miss Gets Caught on Everything – Patricia Rodríguez (Spain)

Miss Sweden - Alexandra Friberg

Miss Mixing Metals – Alexandra Friberg (Sweden)

Miss Trinidad and Tobago - Catherine Miller

Miss Vegas Showgirl – Catherine Miller (Trinidad & Tobago)

Miss Venezuela - María Gabriela Isler

Miss Hot Mess Cowgirl – María Gabriela Isler (Venezuela)

Miss Hyper-Patriotic Automaton - Erin Brady (U-S-A!)

Miss Hyper-Patriotic Automaton – Erin Brady (U-S-A!)

These aren’t even all of them, y’all! This is a small, delightful smattering of the outrageous things some (beautiful) women are willing to wear in public in order to garner the title “Miss Universe.” The only presentation of outfits equal in sequins and madness that I have seen IRL were at the 2012 Tyler Rose Festival. My extremely well-qualified cousin was in charge of the theme (Indochine), and helped the girls select their “country of origin,” gown designs, and organized the entire coronation ceremony! We attended, obvs, and got pictures/objectified the participants at the “Queen’s Tea” the following morning.

Bengal Tiger! Grr!

Bengal Tiger! Grr!

Foo Dog (Funny name, serious headdress.)

Foo Dog (Funny name, serious headdress.)

Thousand Hands! They were attached to her arms, so they were functional!

Thousand Hands! They were attached to her arms, so they were functional!

New Year's Dragon! AMAZING!!!!

New Year’s Dragon! AMAZING!!!!

Panda! (Hahaha.)

Panda! (Hahaha.)

Cherry Blossom!

Cherry Blossom!

The back is gorgeous.

The back is gorgeous.

THE PHOENIX!!!

THE PHOENIX!!!

My personal favorite, and clearly the coolest chick there.

My personal favorite, and clearly the coolest chick there.

THE BACK IS SO GREAT!

THE BACK IS SO GREAT! It’s like if David Bowie and Dr. Seuss gave birth to a Volcano goddess, and then she designed a dress!

If you make it to the Tyler Rose Festival one day, try to visit their Rose Fest Museum, where you can see official photographs of past Queens, vintage dresses, and some of the fabulous gowns up close!

I'm not going to lie. I think these are fabulous.

I’m not going to lie. I think these are fabulous.

I'm pretty sure they used all the fabric 1952 had to offer.

I’m pretty sure they used all the fabric 1954 had to offer.

All of this is to say, I can absolutely appreciate the gorgeous craftsmanship that has gone into making these wardrobian-creations, but the fact that they are: outrageously expensive, silly, impractical, and you rarely see dudes strutting about in these fashion face-off type situations.

See? He ripped that shirt right off! If they caught fire, 95% of the above women would either die, or be melted into that outfit FOREVER.

The Miss Universe Pageant 2013 will be held THIS SATURDAY in Moscow! (So, if you’re a masochist with a penchant for the dramatic, tune in!) Snotty judgement aside, regardless of the reason anyone wears a fancy costume, I say go for it! Especially since it gives the rest of us something to stare at while wearing our snuggly, soft pajim-jams.

Have you participated in a pageant?? Do you wear non-Halloween costumes on any regular basis? Which is your favorite (Miss Universe AND Tyler Rose Fest) and why?

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